The other day I was watching a show where an engaged couple broke up, and there was some debate about whether the woman was required to return the engagement ring.  This is a hot issue that is very much debated.

The etiquette I had always heard was that it depended on who broke off the engagement: If the woman broke off the engagement, it was her responsibility to give the ring back.  If the man broke off the engagement, however, she had no obligation to return the ring, and even if selling the jewelry for cash is what she chooses to do with it.

Although many people do look at it that way, others say that the ring should always be returned, regardless of who broke off the engagement.  Of course, if the ring is an heirloom from the woman’s family she shouldn’t have to return it.  If it was given as a present, for example on her birthday or at Christmas, it also shouldn’t have to be returned because then it is a more unconditional gift (whereas an engagement ring given at any other time could be considered a conditional gift, on the condition of the marriage going through).

But did you know there are actually laws that dictate whether a woman should have to return the engagement ring in case of a breakup?  Eight states consider an engagement ring a conditional gift, meaning that if the condition (marriage) is not met, the ring must be returned:

• Iowa
• Kansas
• Michigan
• New Jersey
• New Mexico
• New York
• Pennsylvania
• Wisconsin

In these eight states, the ring must be returned regardless of who broke up with whom.  In California, on the other hand, a woman is legally obligated to return the ring if she breaks off the engagement — but a man has no right to expect the ring back if he breaks up with her.  Only one state — Montana — has a legal basis for the ring never having to be returned, no matter who breaks it off.

Obviously there is a lot of disagreement between law and etiquette.  Following etiquette is the nice thing to do, but be absolutely certain you also follow the law — there are no reprecussions for breaking etiquette (except maybe how people think of you afterward), but you don’t want to have to be dragged into court for breaking the law.

One of my favorite events throughout the year is the youth conference that we attend.  It is a chance for the youth groups in our region to get together in fellowship.  It takes place over an entire weekend and we have a great time.

We have decided that we will be attending again this year and there will be a lot of preparations that need to be done before we are ready to go.  It is out of state, so we will have to raise some funds so that we have the money to attend.

The planning committee will be getting together on Friday to go over the possible fundraising options including bottle drives, a car wash, and we are also looking at having a bake sale.  Hopefully we can raise enough money so that we don’t have to ask the congregation for money, but we will have to see what happens.

Even though there is a lot of work to do before we get there, we know that the time put in will be worth it.

The main thing that helps me to relinquish control over my partner is to recognize when something in his life has nothing to do with mine. For example, a boyfriend of mine started taking human growth hormone for its anti-aging benefits. I didn’t think he had any problems with aging and I thought it was ridiculous for him to take hgh supplements. What I eventually realized was that whether or not he takes them is none of my business; it has nothing to do with me.

Whenever I start to get too focused on my partner, I try to remind myself to put my eyes back on my own paper. In other words, I try to re-focus on what’s going on in my individual life. This helps me to avoid trying to control the other person’s behavior. It seems to be making my relationships a lot better although I still have a long way to go before I really know how to use this skill.