The other day I was watching a show where an engaged couple broke up, and there was some debate about whether the woman was required to return the engagement ring.  This is a hot issue that is very much debated.

The etiquette I had always heard was that it depended on who broke off the engagement: If the woman broke off the engagement, it was her responsibility to give the ring back.  If the man broke off the engagement, however, she had no obligation to return the ring, and even if selling the jewelry for cash is what she chooses to do with it.

Although many people do look at it that way, others say that the ring should always be returned, regardless of who broke off the engagement.  Of course, if the ring is an heirloom from the woman’s family she shouldn’t have to return it.  If it was given as a present, for example on her birthday or at Christmas, it also shouldn’t have to be returned because then it is a more unconditional gift (whereas an engagement ring given at any other time could be considered a conditional gift, on the condition of the marriage going through).

But did you know there are actually laws that dictate whether a woman should have to return the engagement ring in case of a breakup?  Eight states consider an engagement ring a conditional gift, meaning that if the condition (marriage) is not met, the ring must be returned:

• Iowa
• Kansas
• Michigan
• New Jersey
• New Mexico
• New York
• Pennsylvania
• Wisconsin

In these eight states, the ring must be returned regardless of who broke up with whom.  In California, on the other hand, a woman is legally obligated to return the ring if she breaks off the engagement — but a man has no right to expect the ring back if he breaks up with her.  Only one state — Montana — has a legal basis for the ring never having to be returned, no matter who breaks it off.

Obviously there is a lot of disagreement between law and etiquette.  Following etiquette is the nice thing to do, but be absolutely certain you also follow the law — there are no reprecussions for breaking etiquette (except maybe how people think of you afterward), but you don’t want to have to be dragged into court for breaking the law.